Fish bowl

I'm finally off needing anti-nausea meds for this "final" chemo break and am grateful for that.  Another week and a half of getting back to "normal" and then starting on October 1, one last week of infusions and pills and then I get an extended break to see see if this successful treatment holds for a reasonable amount of time.  This last cycle is "for good measure" but I find myself fantasizing that Dr. Scott will call and say, "You can be done now."  A week doesn't sound like much, and it is not, but those last few days in a cycle can really bring you down.  I don't feel like doing anything other than finding a comfortable position to sit and try to distract myself from not feeling sick.

I understand that I really need to step up my physical activity.  There will be no normal until I can get out in the community and resume participating in life rather than observing it through Facebook, radio, or television.  My muscle mass has taken a huge hit and I need to get strong again.

ArtPrize has arrived in Grand Rapids and I have always enjoyed walking around and seeing what people have come up with.  I just read an article which mentioned that the voting aspect of ArtPrize has become less important to most people (There are more dollars given away than there are total votes for all entries) and I am definitely in that non-voting crowd.  The "winners" are usually a disappointment since they seem to be rewarded by their mass appeal and sometimes their marketing and pandering.  For me, it is less about who wins and more about seeing imagination on display. It is a circus and a circus is fun.  Who needs a winner?

My fall clients have begun to call me about doing work again.  I am torn.  It sort of forces me to look at the unknown future and make a decision on how best to spend my time.  I truly enjoy being a productive, creative, contributing individual and if I'm not working, I'm just an observer.  And yet I don't know if I'm looking at months, years or decades in front of me.  Actually no one knows how much time they are looking at.  I often miss the state of being unconcerned about mortality.  Should I travel instead?  Volunteer?  Try to finish some old, long-term unfinished personal projects?  I have never been a good capitalist so why should my concern be about making an income?

The acclaimed TV series, "Breaking Bad" has been recommended by many people as a a high-quality, dramatic series that is also available on Netflix instant streaming.  Not to mention the fact that it deals with the subject of cancer and making and income why you still can.  My daughter Alice got hooked and had been encouraging me to check it out.  I finally decided to commence with a "Breaking Bad" marathon during this last week of feeling like doing nothing and can concur that it is very engaging material, artfully shot, and presented by good actors.  I am already into Season 4.  I must admit that I find the cancer and legacy subplots to be pretty relatable and a nice dramatic compliment to the over-the-top (and unrelatable) cliffhanger, drug world stuff that makes the show so thrilling.  The main character (Walter White) ultimately decides that financial stability for his family is his most important legacy (at the expense of everything else) and it is fun (and scary) to see him pursue this to a point of no return.

So today I am going drug-free, TV-free and am putting aside feeling sorry for myself.  I'm going to catch up on some paperwork, talk to some clients and get out on the sidewalk and get just a little taste of Artprize.  Time to climb out of the fishbowl!