Dreaming

I dreamed this morning that I was in a math class being taught by my 8th grade English teacher.  We were supposed to be copying problems that she was writing on the board.  They were logic story problems, something I kind of like, but I was frustrated by my inability to copy them.  She would erase the previous problem after she explained it and move on to the next one.  I kept asking her to go back and she continued to reprimand me for not keeping up.  After class I tried to find fellow students who would let me use his or her notes.  A girl loaned me her perfectly legible notes (how had she typed them up along with perfect illustrations?) but I still couldn't manage to copy them.  I couldn't find a pencil and then when I did, I couldn't find her notes again.  I finally woke up enough to realize that I was well beyond graduating from math class and that this assignment was not important.

Years ago I realized that reading and writing are activities that don't work in dreams.  Your mind can't both hold a page of text while you read it and then continue to hold it so you can go back a sentence and re-read it. I used to dream I was short order cooking but whenever I looked up at the orders, I could not read the orders and I certainly could not check them for mistakes.  Time moves in one direction and when you don't have the means to freeze and record time, there is a hopeless feeling of loss of control.  Living in the moment is good but we still like the ability and the tools to hold on to the more meaningful moments.

I'm definitely feeling the melancholia of being infirm.  I am unable to function in the way I am accustomed.  Earlier I could feel daily progress towards strength but now it seems like I am feeling the same old shortcomings.  Why am I so fatigued?  This food pump ritual is beginning to feel like a chore. Why do I still have this non-productive cough?  I find myself measuring time in 4-hour pain medication intervals. Not that the pain is substantial; it is more of a tightness that reminds me of my infirmity. And then here is the indignity of needing to have a tooth pulled.  It is not causing problems now but a soon as the antibiotics wear off it will become an annoyance. I have to squeeze an extraction in there somewhere.  We can't risk a tooth infection during chemo.

I do have several upcoming milestones to help me measure the time.

• Today I theoretically graduate from liquids-only to soft foods.  I'm anxious to experiment but also feeling cautious.  I want no more setbacks.  My stomach is so small right now that I can't look at portions the way I used to. How much spaghetti is too much?
• Today I also plan to attend the media premiere of "Waterwalk" a film that I worked on from time to time over the last couple of years. It'll be my first post-op non-medical-related outing.  
• Friday I meet with Dr. McCahill to answer a bunch of my burning questions about eating.
• Monday I have an "Esophagus Dialation" outpatient procedure in the hospital.  General anesthesia means more IVs assuming they can still find something to poke.  Since I don't actually have an esophagus, I'm wondering about all the new anatomy semantics.
• Wednesday is the "One hand clapping" procedure on my vocal cords... also general anesthesia.  Maybe they should leave the IV in?
• Thursday is another CAT scan.  I'll need an IV for that too.

That CAT scan will be testing to see if the lymphoma has been active and spreading. Lately I've been fearing that the cough is related to the lymphoma.  I have no other way to understand the lymphoma manifestation since I never had any symptoms from it and don't even know what they would be.  A deep, useless chest cough might be one I imagine.  No one else seems to be able to speculate why I have it.

A shower and a shave will help.  So would a "flying" dream but those seem harder to come by and never when you want them.