I received a call yesterday from the US Social Security Disability office informing me that my application for receiving SSD had been accepted. I guess that is good news because I have been worried about my decreased ability to make an income right now and potentially for the next two years or more. It will be nice to have a check coming in but I find that I have very mixed feelings.
Partly, it is the stigma of being "on the dole". As a life-long middle class person I have been trained to pull my own weight and this "free ride" feels kind of strange. I know that the whole point of Social Security is that if you pay in you can also withdraw at some point in your life. I just never thought it would be at not-quite -52-years old. The man from SSD who called was very nice and not the slightest bit skeptical or shaming (which is what I would have expected). He was happy to introduce my benefits. He wanted to explore whether there could also be some benefits for Marlee since she was under 18. (Probably not for various reasons.)
The other dismaying part of it is just the reality check that I am a bona fide, official disabled person. Really? Now I feel bad for sending in my application! I've seen disabled people and they are blind or in wheelchairs... much worse off than me. I can see perfectly and walk around on my own two feet! Although I truly feel unable to serve my clients and make an income right now, it's mostly because of my chronic, intermittent hospitalization and imposed bed-rest due to the latest invasive procedure. I'm having a hard time accepting... visualizing myself as a disabled person. And that reveals the darkest aspect of being accepted into the Social Security Disability club:
It usually takes months. I received word after submitting my application only a month ago. I think this means I was fast-tracked as an "end-of-life" candidate. My particular cancers put me in this category, I suppose. I plan to survive them but SSD has seen the numbers and talked to my doctors and they want to make sure I can enjoy the benefits I've paid into my whole working life while I can. Receiving monthly checks seems like a disincentive to get better and I'm not sure I like that!
MOVING ON
Today is another procedure; another IV, another anesthesia, another throat dilation. I just had one of those last week, my second such procedure. You see, I'm supposed to eat as much as I can into my tiny stomach but the anastamosis site from the esophagectomy keeps tightening up, after a while making it difficult to take in anything but liquids and very soft foods. The diameter of the opening to my stomach before last week's dilation, I'm told, was the size of a pencil. Dr. Farr stretched it back to normal size using a series of spacers but I can tell it is getting smaller again. Coughing gets worse and anything with texture goes down hard. Today, Dr. Lown will give it a try. Dr. Lown was the doc who did the original endoscopy that discovered the tumor.
I have a personal theory that it is the coughing that makes it worse. Since I am off ibuprofen, the inflammation is unchecked and causes more coughing. More coughing causes more inflammation. I have no science to back this up. But I know my big swallows are short lived.
COOL NEWS
Yesterday I taught Abby to drive a stick shift. I made her recite the mantra, "In one hour I will know how to drive with a manual transmission." It worked. So now she can drive my car to her new job at Family Video on Fuller Avenue while she looks for a car of her own. She's looking for something in the $2000-$4000 range if you know of anything; particularly a vehicle that gets good gas mileage.
And tomorrow, Alice arrives from Los Angeles for a 10-day Michigan visit. I thought I would be in the hospital by then but it looks like we will be hanging out on the town instead. I like the idea of that much better!
AND
Still no biopsy results. My next scheduled appointment with Dr. Scott to discuss next steps is on June 7. Until then, eat (small servings) drink (non alcoholic, healthful beverages) and be merry (no restrictions there).
2 comments:
Chuck, I know how you feel about disability. I felt the same way about collecting unemployment when I lost my job -- so instead got a crappy, depressing job that led to the great one I have now. (Karma)
As for disability, I now have a "disabled" parking sticker and feel guilty on the rare times I use it to get a better spot. However, I've decided that it's a perk for having a disease. We may as well use what perks come to us. I'm happy to pay into SS disability for people who qualify, and being hit with two cancers and unable to work makes you eminently qualified. So just take this little perk. You've earned it. (Maybe you should get a parking decal too -- it's great for parking downtown!)
Good luck with your non-stop procedures. We're watching and waiting for good news.
Grab it while you can. All the dire predictions are that if we stay healthy long enough to hit the preferred Age of Collection, there may not be enough to go around...
Hope your biopsy news is good.
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