My first experience was that time slowed waaayyyy down. This happens when I get a new piece of information that is unexplained and requires that I wait for a phone call or a test result. Something about wanting an answer right now but knowing you must wait causes your mind to wander up and down through spectrum of possibilities. It is hard to pause on any one thought because of the weight of the infinite unknown pushing you to the next thought. This unrelenting arpeggio wears you down quickly.
During these times I find myself looking for distraction; something that I can latch on to for a while and give my freewheeling mind a rest. I find that my tolerance for leisurely moments is diminished greatly. For example, I went canoeing with some friends and little decisions like "shall we put in at this river bend or that river bend?" drove me nuts! Just get into the water already!! Later, we pulled up the canoes at a beautiful little vista and decided to just sit and let the river flow by for a while. I noticed the irritation setting in and I kept thinking, "C'mon, let's keep going!". Sleep also is very difficult. I get so tired that I fall asleep but wake up in an hour and find myself back in the panic loop. I need to find something to keep me engaged until I can fall asleep again from exhaustion.
The flip side of that "waiting on the unknown" comes after finding out a piece of definitive information. It can be good news or bad news. Depending on which kind it is, I feel either elated or deeply sad for a short time. Following that, I go through a phase of feeling intensely creative. I'm now on a path. I know what the next steps are and as I go through these steps, I observe the world around me and apply everything to my current filter. Nothing seems hard. Everything is interesting. I can't stop generating ideas where anyone of them is a launch point to become lost in thought. I wave goodbye as great ideas are left behind me on the path, never to be thought of again. My Facebook retorts are funny. I'll talk someone's ear off. I want to start writing and I don't want to be interrupted. I'll forget about pain. It's a good place to be and the feeling may last until the next fork in the road.
As I ponder these two very distinct, recognizable states of being (which I can only do in the latter state), I think about how these are merely amplified states of my everyday, pre-cancer condition of just being Chuck, working on a video project. I'll take on a project knowing it will start in the distracted camp and end up in the highly creative camp. I know there is a story in there somewhere and probably an excellent way to tell that story. I start by walking a familiar, less-creative path. I put some dates in a calendar, talk to the client about who the best people are to tell the story, figure out what the visual resources are, and then just try and get the train moving towards a date when I know I must begin editing. Video files will be logged and transcribed and categorized. Maybe I'll trip over some good visual metaphors I can use on the way or record an especially poignant interview. I always know there must become a point when I understand the story and how to tell it.
Almost always there is a period of crisis. I don't know what the story is. I seek desperately for any kind of distraction. When will this day end? I better check Facebook. Eat something. Go to the bathroom. Think of someone I could call or email. Start thinking about a freebie project with a distant deadline. Find a reason to knock off early. Explore an obscure key-command for a function of my software I'll probably never use. Anything other than face my "lack of a roadmap" and that my story could go wildly in any direction at all.
And then a deadline hits. My calendar says editing must be begun no later then this date. I'll force myself to take one step down a path by choosing a shot (or a piece of music, or an effect template) and putting it on a (literal) timeline. Suddenly a second shot makes sense. I'm editing and I can begin to see farther down the road. I see structure. I think of several alternatives. Time is flying. I'm in creative mode and I'm happy. At the end of a block of time I have something in front of me that I feel pretty proud of, even if it is just a sketch of an idea that informs me that the rest of the project is just walking briskly down this path and refining and refining up to the final deadline. (I always try to make that final deadline 1 week before the actual final deadline to account for the inevitable equipment failure or client change.)
Cooking is the same way. I know my family has to eat something delicious and nutritious for dinner every day. Some days I have a vision of what it is going to be far in advance. On a lost day I might just pick up a pizza. But on most days, I have no idea what it is going to be. I have faith it will be good. I look in my refrigerator and I lose a little faith. I look in the pantry cupboards and I lose a little more. But then I see a bag of pasta in the back and realize that all I need is olive oil and a little garlic, an egg, some frozen peas and I'll have something to work with. Then get out of my way! In less time then you would think, I'll have a multi-course, delicious meal made out of nothing that satisfies both my vegetarians and my omnivores. I can do that every time. All it takes is knowing that it is time to make dinner right now.
As you can see, I am the kind of person who functions well on deadline pressure. Which brings me back to cancer.
People keep telling me I'm so positive and brave in the face of this horrible disease. And I really do feel great! I'm not just putting on a brave face. I hardly ever think of pain or needing help or sympathy. I'm thriving!
Why?
It's the deadline pressure!! Cancer has potentially moved up the deadline for having a good, full life. Sure, there are moments where I lose the path but for the rest of the time, I'm in a zone!
How am I going to spend my time?
Traveling a clear path when I see one and processing my ideas as they come to me. Hoping that next fork in the road, when suddenly I won't know what to do any more is a long way off.
And when it comes I will feel tortured, eventually choose a fork, and then I'll be good again for a while.
5 comments:
That was an April Fools post, right? Chuck you are amazing. And ain't it relative - what we think of as good news now. Big hugs from the southern Willey's - keep up the good fight! (And forget the fork, just use a spoon).
Ryost stompect
ryost stompect
I suppose you had to go there ..... heal well
That's you Chuck. That's why we love you and admire you so much. My friends who have had the c diagnosis all tell me it changed their lives for the better. I find that amazing and a sign of a Higher Power who does know just what we need. Peace, dear man.
Hey Chuck, I really enjoyed this post. Hope you continue to feel an invigorating creative surge. Sending good vibes from NYC.
Excellent description of the creative process. Rings very true for me.
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